you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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