for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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