god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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