Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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