If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
