The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
