I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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