When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
