Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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