I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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