just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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