I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
