im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
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