You're my little dorito
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
