I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
