Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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