I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
