On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
