Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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