You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
