I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
