I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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