Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
