Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
