The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
