dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
