Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
