woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
