Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
