so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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