I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
