I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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