I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
