The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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