she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
