i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
