once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
