he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
