I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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