I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
