we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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