just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Come share oat with me in your robe
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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