do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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