I could have mohawked her pubes.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
