I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
