tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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