you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
