The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
