Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
