I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
