Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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