and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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