never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
