those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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