I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I could make wine with my vomit
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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