You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
