I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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