i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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