btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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